Tuesday, November 15, 2011 @ 6:07 PM
So yea. Guess what i flunked As. Im not even surprised that i did. Come to think of it what have i done well? What have i done that was right? Nothing. 0. Nada. I cant do anything. Its true you know, im just useless good for nothing. Leech off the world and the people around me. It was fair to call me a loser. Ive never done anything right in my life.
Sometime ago there was this Chrystal lesson that asked us to list down what we're all good at. Made me think a lot about it but the conclusion was the same. Im just useless, good at nothing at all.
Hows life like after failing As? Not a clue. Ill just go where i can go let the wind take me wherever. Begging for food on streets or something. Perhaps Ill regret it in the future. Maybe a little but seriously i doubt it.
Im not even capable of even feeling that way.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011 @ 11:17 PM
Found myself here again somehow.
Just a little grain of sand in the desert. Every sandstorm marks a new beginning. That little grain picked up by the wind sped along its way. In the raging maelstrom theres always a couple of other particles that hung beside it but no matter how much he tried to stay with them they would always disappear. Either it was him who slowed down and the wind carried them away or it was they who slowed down and the wind sped him further on. Every grain leaves him in time, no matter how long it had been around him no matter how close they were in the end they were all swept away. They all COME.AND.GO. Only when the wind died and all was cool he landed somewhere in the world. He could see the stars high up in the heavens. All was a deathly quiet. Only then did the plight he was in stabbed him hard and cold. He was alone. Is alone and henceforth will be FOREVER.ALONE.
Sunday, June 26, 2011 @ 10:23 PM
My life. I never expected much never wanted much.
Of course im not into the "OH AVERAGE LIFE WITH SOMEONE I LOVE DOING THE THING I LOVE THE MOST" I mean like seriously? Kinda means that you're not excelling in the thing you love the most aint it. Just mediocre to the end.
I never signed up for anything but everything gets pushed to me. I somehow cant bring myself to reject people if they ask for help or anything. Ill always go like "IDW la" "Wa lau lazy sia" but in the end i'll still do it somehow. Ya know? Do unto others as you want done to you. So in the end i ended up with so much on my plate i hardly have time for my own stuff. Ok im fine with it, i mean like work more and cope with it la since i signed up for it.
If only i had to contend with time time alone. Always somewhere along the way someone gets pissed emotions flared and im left picking up the pieces. Running around like a lost sorry thing trying to put everything together.
Gave up too much. This month was too much for me to handle. Disappointed in myself, my inability to do anything. Unable to even excel at the thing i loved. Unable to keep up in the faith people had in me. I never understood what I did for people to have such high expectations in me. Feels like im getting crushed between the hammer and the anvil.
And i swore i would never do it again.
Got another piece of bad news yesterday again. So fucking worried that i couldnt concentrate on anything at all. FUCK. I really dont know where did i gone wrong, thought i had done everything to the best i could and it still turned out awful.
I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry. And die maybe.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011 @ 11:21 PM
You know i was trying to think of a song that expresses what Im feeling right now.
Bingo.
I know everybody wants to belong, but this is what’s wrong
It doesn’t matter
I would rather have a talk with the stars and play my guitar than phony chatter.
Let it freak ‘em out, gossip all about, you caught me talking hanging out with him
Now I’m a weirdo.
I could sit and cry, panic, wonder why, maybe I’m not a follower.
Everybody knows that the smartest, the artist is a renegade.
I feel like gold down among the crowd of loneliness
I felt you touch my soul; I didn’t know that I was missing you
Meet me on the open road
Only for the special one
You touch my soul when it’s just you and me I feel like gold.
This song is awesome.
I’ve been thinking about the boy by the door
and lately, much more,
and lately, much more,
I think I like him.
He’s the one all the girls think is strange
but something has changed, the way I see it
He’s the one all the girls think is strange
but something has changed, the way I see it
Notebook fantasy, can I stop and see
Would you draw something for me, take me somewhere different
Hair in your eyes, pretty in disguise
maybe you are hiding and I know why
Cos there’s something much more; are you the special one?
I feel like gold down among the crowd of loneliness
I felt you touch my soul; I didn’t know that I was missing you
Meet me on the open road
Only for the special one
You touch my soul when it’s just you and me I feel like gold.
Would you draw something for me, take me somewhere different
Hair in your eyes, pretty in disguise
maybe you are hiding and I know why
Cos there’s something much more; are you the special one?
I feel like gold down among the crowd of loneliness
I felt you touch my soul; I didn’t know that I was missing you
Meet me on the open road
Only for the special one
You touch my soul when it’s just you and me I feel like gold.
I know everybody wants to belong, but this is what’s wrong
It doesn’t matter
I would rather have a talk with the stars and play my guitar than phony chatter.
Let it freak ‘em out, gossip all about, you caught me talking hanging out with him
Now I’m a weirdo.
I could sit and cry, panic, wonder why, maybe I’m not a follower.
Everybody knows that the smartest, the artist is a renegade.
I feel like gold down among the crowd of loneliness
I felt you touch my soul; I didn’t know that I was missing you
Meet me on the open road
Only for the special one
You touch my soul when it’s just you and me I feel like gold.
How true totally. Its kinda creepy even.
Friday, May 6, 2011 @ 1:42 AM
Nothing much to say.
It was an expected yet disappointing result.
We're all broken inside, but it's these cracks that will be of greatest value to us in life.........these cracks that will always spur us on to greater heights. These cracks allow you to grow as a person and if you've achieved that, give yourselves a round of applause. Ultimately, it's a collective pain. We'll heal together.
-Sheri
You fall,you get up.you cry,you dry it.you look back,you reflect.you know,you've grown.(:
-Mei Xuan
I guess there is a certain beauty that I appreciate with those tears that were shed together on this day.
-Xioa Hui
用心感动，这旅程中，因你而加倍的感动。
-Sheryl Lee
What defines us is our attitude and that doesn't change...
-Kai Siang
The end is not when you've been disappointed or let down.
The end is when you give up hope and no longer believe.
And since there's always still faith and hope, there is no end
The end is when you give up hope and no longer believe.
And since there's always still faith and hope, there is no end
-Sheryl Tan
Yes they may all be lying, its cos they care.
-Rachel
Aiya up to you la, now you're in the choir, have all the time/rights in the world to change and you dont want. I graduate already but still doing it.
-Zerlina
It has never been about the end result but the sense of pride and glory when you're standing on stage.
-Han Riffin
I have no regrets this is not the end of my choral journey :)
-Benjamin
I wont say yea, i wont say nay. Determine your own success.
-Catherine
It was a long walk along the beach.
Sunday, April 24, 2011 @ 9:57 PM
Even if its not enough, even if I throw away its not enough.
Ill show how much I really love you.
You may never know but here i am.
~~~
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 @ 11:49 PM
So many questions with no answers. Questions that cant be answered, questions that i dont want answered.
Why? Why? WHy? WHY WHY WHY WHY?
You know sometimes i think inanimate objects end up being my best friends. I rather play my piano the whole day then confide to someone. I rather play a guitar then hangout with people. Seriously if i could marry those two then it would be a decent life. I can bang the piano with my guitar be my side and we can all have a threesome together.
And i have no idea when ive become such an introvert.
Maybe people will see this maybe people wont but really, i dont think anyone would call me an introvert i guess. Ive changed so much that i dont recognise myself anymore. And the new me hate myself. Where have those days gone too? Crazy days when there was no night and day no order and law. Where i could sleep when i wanted do what i wanted and not give a shit about the world.
Once i take pleasure in hearing peoples voice then the sound of the piano keys. Once i rather look into someones eyes then staring at the bright computer screen.
Once.
Too much have changed. I once had hope and it was crushed. I gave it up but hope came around again. Now im confused. Is there hope? Or is it just a hallucination that i made up.
That is one question i want answered but afraid of what it might be.
Lifes a stage one where we never stop acting.
Putting a smile on my face when i dont feel like. Laughing at the smallest things, telling jokes that dont reflect what im thinking. Just like how you swear at your friends but never dare to do that to your parents. Just like how you react to someone you dont like.
最痛苦的微笑
Theres a time for everyone, if they only learn. That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn... Just because you're moving on in life doesnt mean mine doesnt change. Theres a time for everyone.
One day i'll just switch off my phone and my com turn off the lights in the room and slam the door shut. Just me my best friends and my baleful thoughts.